The first time I ever heard of Estonia was in the 1992 seminal masterpiece “Encino Man” starring Brendan Fraser; later to star in “The Mummy”… a movie among whose other accolades is the fact that the combined cast of which caused an entire generation to become bisexual.
The second time I ever heard of Estonia was in Budapest, Hungary at a Couchsurfing (RIP) gathering. A Couchsurfer (CSer) told me that Estonian women were the most beautiful women in the world. He was from Estonia, so his opinion may be skewed. I do encourage healthy curiosity though, and if you wonder about this I think you should go see for yourself. Yes, you, dear reader. Go. Now.
Señor Tijuana and I ripped out of Helsinki as quickly as we could. I don’t think we gave Finland a fair shake, since we initially expected to be there for the MotoGP race and were a bit dejected over how that went down. The stupefying variance between the description and reality of our Airbnb didn’t help. The Estonian property looked regal and we were both holding out hope it was half as cool as the pictures.
Ryanair is always an experience. This trip was no exception. The whole plane smelled like farts and people who were farters. There is a city in Greece named Paleofartsalot, and I think the entire city was on this Ryanair flight. TJ and I were easily in our seats, both traveling light, and watching a man slam the lid of the luggage bin down on his protruding suitcase over and over and over, as we both waited for either the luggage bin or the man’s suitcase to break apart. The long-suffering Ryanair attendant walked up to the man and placed a hand on his arm to cease the ongoing criminal act. She, a full 12 inches shorten that the violator, looked him plainly in the eyes and with every ounce of Eastern European stoicism told him, ” It is not going to fit… as you see.” Rightfully shamed, he handed over the bag to the attendant and she disappeared with it; hopefully to throw it in a trash bin.
My first glimpses of Estonia were from far above. The land itself was a beautifully organized rural delicacy; the geometric puzzlement of property lines and crops that reveals itself in a fractured chessboard from overhead. I was nearly vibrating with anticipation when the captain’s voice came over the intercom in a language for which I had no auricular reference, running on in sentence after sentence describing, I am sure, the rolling country below us, their delicate foods and beautiful women, and the speed and velocity of both the plane and it’s crew. After a minute of this came the minuscule pause as this paragon of manhood switches mental gears to one of the hundred languages he commands, preparing to give us his rendition in beautifully accented English…
“We are land.”
The pressure and awkwardness of the Helsinki interlude shattered and I could hear TJ laughing aloud from further back in the cabin at the Captain’s brevity. Estonia was looking up!
We stopped to pose for a romantic selfie and then used an app called Bolt to call a car to get us downtown and it was an adventure. More on that later.
To say that our Airbnb in Estonia was the best I had ever stayed in may not be true, but it’s not far off. While hunting for places to stay in Estonia, I found more unique and highly tantalizing properties that I have ever seen concentrated in a single location within my price point. Hunting lodges, old monasteries, bits of castles… the list seemed to just keep going! We got to stay in an old hunting lodge that was built into the old wall of the city. The whole experience was a delight. Take a peek!
There were patios, sitting rooms, a bar, a kitchen, the sauna in the basement with secret exit, glorious giant bedrooms, extravagant bathrooms, a loft…. it was marvelous. Do yourself a favor and get on VRBO or some other site and cruise the startling options in Tallinn!
Wrap up:
- Install the Bolt! app for ride share in Estonia; Uber and Lyft do not work here
- Go look for cool short term rentals in Tallinn; don’t settle!