Into every life, a little vodka must fall. Finland was a very different experience from the moment we slid away from Norway. The language became incomprehensible, sounding something akin to Russian to my untrained ears. From the vibrant warm and friendly Oslo airport, we arrived to a ghost town of Lentoaselma Flygplatsen (Helsinki Airport); eerie with echoes of apocalyptic cinema renditions of similarly empty buildings.
If the feelings of Walking Dead pervaded the airport, the train was the opposite… perhaps walking braindead. Everyone was shouting over one another to be heard while seeming to completely disregard anything anyone else was saying. The train soundtrack was lovely from what we could glean between during communal inhales from the clamorous passengers. Passing Tickleyour Dicksbury station, I was reminded of the coffee machine in the airport lounge…
The 20+ hours of sun had not relented and Tijuana and I were still disoriented and uncertain of what time of day it was. As we landed, 2ndHomes, our property manager in Helsinki, was closing up shop and assured us that the keys would be in a lockbox on the front gate. They neglected to tell us that the “front gate” was the gate to their office across town and not the property itself.
As we stepped off the train, exiting Helsingin päärautatieasema (Helsinki Central Train Station) in downtown Helsinki to the sound of breaking glass, drunken singing and public urination, I was somehow about to convince my traveling partner that we should walk the almost 1 kilometer to the house. It was actually more than 2 kilometers, but I am bad with directions when I haven’t slept properly in several days. By the time we arrived at the house to find there were no keys in sight, Tijuana was unhappy with the state of things. The walk back to the nearest tram station did nothing to improve his ailing soles.
Helsinki won’t surprise you with most of the architecture. It’s not a departure from most of the European metropolitan centers that I have been to; which pleases me just fine. I understand and enjoy the layout and flow of most of the European capitals in general. Helsinki may surprise you in other ways, though.
By the time Tijuana and I made it to a tram station, we realized that every store in town was closed since it was nearly midnight, and we had no way of deciphering how to pay from tram tickets. The lone gentleman at the tram stop did not share a common language with us, but did point to an app on his phone in a meaningful gesture, so I dutifully downloaded it, as any sane clear thinking person would, and the tram pulled to our position and the driver bade us ‘enter’ with all the enthusiasm of week old constipation.
As we stood in the entrance to the trolley car, miming at the stout driver of our predicament, she she gave us the most imperious stink-eye that I believe I have ever been victim of. The stink-eye lay heavily on us, despair bleeding into our minds, when the driver closed her window… shut the doors to the trolley, and drove away with us aboard. I assume this is tacit agreement that she doesn’t get paid enough to deal with our bullshit, and doesn’t care if we get a free ride, or go die in a ditch. We took the free ride.
Disembarking at the Helsingin päärautatieasema for the second time that evening, TJ decided he had had enough. He sat down in a small park with a handful of drunken sailors singing at the top of their lungs, folded his arms and said “come back when you have the keys.” Fair play, sailor. Fair play.
I slept walked the 2 kilometer round trip to get the keys and return to Central Station, returning to load an unconscious TJ into yet another illegal tram ride across the city. We slumped into our lovely little flat, blessedly at ground level, and with vague awareness that it didn’t look like the pictures we flopped into separate bedrooms and slept without concern for every waking up again.
The following afternoon upon waking, I realized why something had seemed amiss. No sheets, no towels, the wifi details were incorrect, and the apartment was missing a bathroom. Investigations of the house did eventually turn up linens and towels, but we never did find the extra .5 bathroom which the property had advertised. Apparently, in Helsinki if you combine the laundry room, toilet, shower, and sauna all into one room, it is imbued with the status of 1.5 bath since it is contains more items and needs an inflated sense of importance. We did sleep, though; not laying eyes on one another until mid-afternoon. TJ, apparently hoping to relive some of his ancestor’s criminal past decided we should take a boat to Prison Island, Salmisaari.
Despite sounding like an exciting meat snack, I can’t say anything about Salami Sorry was unique, but it was fun to take a boat and break up the days of cityscape. I try to limit ‘filler days’ like this one because if you are always just killing time, eventually it will return the favor… but we were in real need of sleep and calm, so this worked out. Enjoy some silly pictures.
Sauna in Finland is ubiquitous. it was lovely and makes me wonder why it never caught on in the northern USA. Our 1.5 bathroom included a nice sauna. We availed ourselves of the sauna and made sweaty delight of the place. Interpret that as you desire.
A theme I have seen in Scandinavia, is the distinct difference in approach to the price and availability of liquor between the neighboring countries. Some countries sell it everywhere, and others have strictly controlled state stores that sell regulated liquors at a premium (Systembolaget). Some countries are quite easy to get a pint in, while others are quite dear! Of course, if you aren’t a dummy tourist and actually pay attention, you won’t pay 15 euro for a Long Drink. That’s me, I’m the dummy. Just avail yourself of the local drinking fountains instead.
Salmiakki Koskenkorva is a favorite local cough medicine masquerading as liquor. It’s fine, don’t get me wrong, but this is actually cough medicine that has had ABV added. Prove me wrong; go to Finland, drink some, and then tell me I am wrong. I bet you 5 markka!
Final tally for our Airbnb in Helsinki was something like this: No keys, Wifi, towels, sheets, fridge, trash cans, .5 bathroom. The only knife was so dull it couldn’t cut bread. One of the beds was inexplicably in a tiny loft 10 feet off the ground. All in all a big thumbs down, but we lived to complain another day! On the way out of town, we did manage to find Jar Jar Brunch and the Meat Runway:
If you have a day or two in Helsinki either go wild, or follow someone with better ideas than me: https://www.penguinandpia.com/en/one-day-in-helsinki/
Wrap Up:
- Download the HSL public transport app before arriving
- Don’t let me plan your trip for you
- Drink some cough syrup, and get a Long Drink from a reasonably priced Alko shop.
- Don’t go to Prison Salami Island expecting anything great.
- Enjoy the Sauna
